YUP. I screwed it up. Hmmm patient, calm, kind. REALLY?! Why did I pick those? Well, I did say that I am no expert and this was an ongoing journey for me, didn’t I? And…that…it…is.

The day was honestly perfect, I spent the whole day in a happy state of mind with my 10-month-old son. I read my book and tried out meditation for the first time during one of his naps. I found it calming and interesting, I plan to continue to work on it. I also worked on some thoughts for a future post and felt calm and joy in writing it. Truly, the day could not have gone better! But then, at 11:30pm when I was watching The Good Wife (still love that show) in bed I heard the little guy stirring. Usually if he wakes, he falls back asleep quickly but not this time. 30 minutes later and he’s still tossing and turning (loudly I might add but not crying). I can’t sleep and so my mind wanders to think of all the possibilities: ugh I put him in a sleeper with his feet out, maybe he’s cold? He needs his diaper changed? He’s hungry (but shouldn’t be). He’s teething (but I didn’t notice anything abnormal in the day). I feel confident to say most moms would understand this thought process. I probably should have left him since he wasn’t actually crying but I made the (stupid) decision to go in…

I picked him up, put on socks and comforted him. I mean come on; I am MOM he should go down after a nice little snuggle right? Yup, I know, I don’t know why I convinced myself of that either. Wow was I wrong, he was all comfy and quiet lying on my chest but as many of us know, the minute the tiny one goes down back into the crib the wailing and sitting up begins. I caved and think ok I’ll change you and give you some bottle. I do that…. Same thing. I give him a little more bottle, ok that should do it. NOPE, same thing….grrrrrrrrr

I feel it rising (be patient, calm, kind I tell myself). But I can’t calm myself, I’m annoyed. Tired. Exhausted. I want a break, well what I really want is (glorious) sleep. My husband comes out to see how he can help and I bite his head off. He’s “FINE” I say, “I’ve done everything, he just wants to be held and now he’s just gonna have to cry it out!” My husband goes back into the dark room and I feel awful. He was trying to help. After 30- 45 minutes of his crying (which is not his normal self), my husband goes in. Holds and soothes him. SAME THING! I can feel the burning irritation radiating out of me. I take deep breaths and calm myself. Slowly, eventually he settles with my husband and he falls back into teeny dreamland.

I am certain I am not alone in such a situation; I am sure all parents have had a similar experience at some point (if not at many points). But it really is extremely challenging at times (mainly when you are in an exhausted or stressed state) to be that person you want to be, for me – patient, calm and kind.

And so, after my son (now changed with an extra feeding and teeny socks) finally fell back asleep we both got in a few hours of the same. The good news – I did apologize in the morning. The bad news is, I saw the patterns of old behaviour brewing. We all woke up late as a result of the midnight events. So here we go…. HURRY UP, GET DRESSED, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST. My daughter must have been extra excited to get to school this morning…

I am proud to say that at least I finally became aware of my irritating behaviour and took a moment and calmed down. It’s not her fault I am tired and grumpy and worst-case scenario she’s a few minutes late for school (she wasn’t actually). So, I slowed down, apologized and gave her a hug. She said “are you tired because he kept you up all night?” (She knows me too well already) “Yes, I said, sorry honey. I’ll do better.” She responded with “that’s ok momma everyone makes mistakes.”

EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.

We do and I continue to work on mine. This is why I remind myself daily. Patient, calm, kind.

Full circle moment.