My daughter was recently invited to attend a try out for rep soccer. As she plays rep hockey, we were interested and excited to have the experience and see if it was a good fit for her. She’s 7, so becoming more and more independent, very observant and at a very impressionable age.

It rained all day; at times I was thinking that perhaps we would instead attend the following week (mainly because I was selfishly not wanting to sit in the rain 😊). The sun finally showed up towards the end of the day and we happily headed over.

When we got there, we saw a mix of boys and girls playing. This was fine but we were a bit confused as it was to be a girls rep team. It ended up that they combined the groups together for today’s practice. Ok, no problem, good experience for all the kids. She was a little hesitant to join in as she didn’t know anyone there (as we all are, even adults); but off she went excited to try and learn something new.

They decided to split the large group into two, to work on different skills at a time. I’m sitting there watching the kids and all I hear is constant yelling and reprimanding. I look over and this one coach is bellowing out ‘feedback.’ “No! What are you doing?” “Get in!” “Get out!’ “Look at me – what are you doing?!” on and on…

For the most part it wasn’t so much what he was actually saying but HOW he was saying it. He was condescending, mean, rude. His tone was dripping with disappointment for the children. I observed. Each child he singled out (which was the majority over the course of the session) looked let down.

It was heartbreaking actually.

Here are these kids that are excited to play and learn and all he’s doing is telling and showing them that they are not good enough. I looked around at the adults’ faces to gauge if I am the only one feeling this way. Am I being too sensitive? Is this typical behaviour of a coach for the rep level (for 7- & 8-year-olds)? Honestly, it was a learning experience for me too. It was hard to tell, I didn’t see any facial expressions that seemed concerned or disappointed. Many were neutral, so I have to believe that there were others feeling similar to me, but perhaps also trying to ‘figure it out’ or unsure if they should say something. I continued to watch feeling uncomfortable with how he was behaving and knowing that my daughter was not enjoying herself.

The practice was to run for 75 minutes. At the hour mark, I had had enough. I decided I don’t care if this is considered ‘normal’ behaviour for such an activity. I knew that it was inappropriate and disrespectful. I decided we were going home. I got up and called for her to come over. “Let’s go home sweetie.” She looked up at me and said “oh really?” I asked her if she was having fun, her first response was “yes” but with no joy or happy emotion tied to it. I knew there was more… “really? You are?” the silence as she thinks… “no, let’s go home, he yelled at me.”

I took the time during the drive home to discuss the situation. That was not appropriate behaviour from a coach. It’s good to push, motivate and teach players but not degrade them and make them feel bad for making a mistake. That is not respectful and we don’t allow people to treat us that way. The night ended with hugs, laughter and a learning for both of us.

I sent an email to the organizers of the league with my feedback and disappointment on this experience. Coaching children, although I can see can be extremely challenging, is a privilege. You are helping to mold and develop kind, respectful, determined beings. If you are a coach, remember that – take the time to explain what you are asking the kids to do. They likely don’t know or don’t understand, even if they say they do! Your actions speak louder than words. What you say is important but also HOW you say it is equally imperative to the outcome. There are so many layers to this type of behaviour, aside from the fact that you are creating a toxic environment you also:

• Push out many children to no longer want to try or play the sport
• Encourage disrespectful and mean-spirited behaviour (you are a role model whether you realize it or not)
• Show that just because someone is bigger and louder, they are ‘right’
• You create junior coaches who act with the same approach and becomes a systemic sports issue
• You are showing that men are allowed to treat and speak to women in a demeaning way

Do better, be better. We all have a responsibility to treat others with kindness and respect, especially innocent children who just want to play and have fun. I am hopeful the feedback goes directly to this coach. Should I ever come across him or another similar coaching style again I will be ready with some direct yet respectful feedback. This will not be the coaching style for my children.

“When you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou

Be patient, calm and kind.